“True Blood”: Only Skin Deep

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Not my type.

I finally got around to watching the first season of “True Blood” on DVD — yeah, I know,  I’m a total TV slacker — but I survived only four episodes.

“True Blood” begins with an intriguing level of satire that quickly devolves into soap operatics and — even worse — boring stereotypes. Creator Alan Ball cleverly uses vampires to symbolize the coming out of the gay community, but his vampires are clichéd, smug and brooding. Rather than being high-minded immortals espousing centuries of amassed wisdom, they’re self-indulgent fetishists living solely for debauchery. Yawn. If vampires are supposed to represent the gay community, Ball is doing the latter a great disservice. Indeed, with the exception of the leading romantic interest, most of the vampires are hyper-violent dicks, so I actually found myself siding with the bigots: uh, yeah, it’s probably not the best idea to mingle with superpowered creatures hell bent on eating you.

Going Out with a Really Big Bang: Celebrities Planning Even Grander Finales

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

The following is a satirical work of fiction. Those easily offended should surf to safer territory now…

"You ain't seen nothin' yet..."

In the wake of Michael Jackson’s massive, media-saturated funeral, several Hollywood celebrities are reportedly looking into how they can make sure their own forthcoming funerals are as sensational.

Expressing My Inner TURFgeek: How I Became a Professional Sportswriter for a Day

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

No, not me on the cover. Really.

Somebody my size with my athletic ability doesn’t play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Picture an over-caffeinated chicken on a greased trampoline. It’s just not in my genetic cards.

So I did the next best thing: I wrote a bad-ass essay about the team. Actually a few essays…

WTHWTT?! Microsoft Tosses Up New Ad — Don’t Watch

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

File under “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!”

A few days ago, Microsoft leaked a new ad for Internet Explorer 8 — though I’m not sure if “leaked” is the right verb for it. More like spilled, yakked up, upchucked, and Technicolor yawned it. The ad is nicknamed “OMGIGP,” which stands for “Oh My God I’m Gonna Puke.” Really. No kidding. And it actually has a woman vomiting in it. Think I’m jesting? Watch for yourself — if you can…

United States of Generica: Pizza Hut Becomes “The Hut”

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

No pizza for you!

What’s wrong with pizza? I love pizza! Yet fast food giant Pizza Hut is dropping the word “pizza” from some of its store names and packaging. While still officially called Pizza Hut, the chain will refer to itself as “The Hut” to reportedly make it a more appealing place for teens to hang out. Hey, we’re not a fast food joint, we’re a cool clubhouse!

Not Exactly “Metafore!”: Politicians and Poetic License

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My darling, I may be a lowly postal employee, but I do have government-run health insurance..." "Then shut up and kiss me, you fool!"

“Words are the worst thing ever. I’d prefer a drunkard at the bar touching your bum to someone who says ‘Your smile flies like a butterfly.’” — Grandmother Donna Rosa in “Il Postino”

Twenty-five years ago, the film “Il Postino” captivated American audiences with its sun-drenched tale of Italian romance, the collision of poetry and politics, and the seductive powers of metaphors. Yes, metaphors — or as the lead character Mario exclaims, “Metafore!”

Then we come to this side of the Atlantic, where we Yanks cast subtlety aside, and our metaphors and similes take a much more colorful turn…

Creativity without Borders: “Beat It” Tehran Style

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Score one for the Iranian protesters — at least when it comes to marketing.

Just last week, the Iranian protests dominated conversations across the media and the Internet. Then yesterday, not at all surprisingly in our celebrity-obsessed culture, Michael Jackson’s death wiped the Iranians off the evening news, the front pages of newspapers, and the social media trending topics.

Ahmadinejad couldn’t have asked for anything better.

Too Soon? iTunes Features Michael Jackson

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

The news of Michael Jackson’s death just hit the internets a few hours ago, and the iTunes Store already has Michael Jackson featured on top and center…

In The Can: Coors Campaign Leaves Us Cold

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Just chillin'

It’s not as much fun picking on Coors now as when they were run by right-wing zealots from a mountain stronghold in Colorado. (Alright, it’s a brewery, but it’s fun to say “mountain stronghold.”) I did razz ‘em for their faux microbrew, Blue Moon. But since Coors became the Molson Coors company, they’re part-Canadian, and Canadians are our lovable liberal neighbors to the north with free healthcare, right? To further confuse matters, Molson Coors joined with SABMiller, the South African owner of Miller Beer, to form MillerCoors to promote their products in the U.S. And next year, South Africa will be hosting the World Cup, which is a glorious celebration of international unity through sports. Or something like that.

So how can I pick on Coors now? It’s too easy…

Grounds for Desertion: The Last Stand of Starbucks’ Third Place?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Oh, now you've gone and pissed off the mermaid... (illustration by Jeffrey Thomas)

Three yuppies walk into a Starbucks. Sounds like the beginning of a joke, and in a way it is. Two claim a table, while the third goes to order. He asks the others what they want, and they both say “nothing.” He responds, “So why are we here?” One replies, “Someplace to talk.” The first guy scowls and says something that makes me want to high-five him…

Buzz Marketing? Winery Goes 2.0 with Job Contest

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

A job so cool, you even get a bitchin' hat.

Talk about truth in advertising: this really is a dream job.

Murphy-Goode Winery in Sonoma County, California, is offering one lucky applicant a six-month gig to be their “social media whiz.” The job involves blogging/posting/tweeting/videotaping the winery, its products, the lifestyle and the surrounding community…

Vintage Coppola? Product Placement Gone Wild

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

So here I was flipping through the Calendar section of the L.A. Times. (Only in Hollywood is the entertainment section of the major newspaper called the “Calendar.” No, we don’t do anything else in this town but entertain or be entertained.) My eye caught the full-page ad for new movie Tetro. The ad brims over with critical raves, with the first quote proclaiming “Francis Ford Coppola, 70, has returned to his roots…”

That must be referring to his grape vine roots.

It Will Eat Your Brain and Your Bank Account: Multilevel Mindlessness

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"Try it! Look what it's done for me!" (Photo by TW Collins through Creative Commons)

Multilevel marketing (MLM) is the business equivalent of cigarette smoking. It’s technically legal, rakes in major dinero for its corporate overlords, and has addicted millions of people worldwide, even though it’s ultimately bad for you…

String Up the Velvet Ropes! Why Social Networks Need Barriers

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

L.A. contains miles of velvet ropes that pack more protective power than the Great Wall of China. They’re fronted by large scowling men armed with high-caliber clipboards. And they’re assaulted nightly by swarms of wannabes, who are then repelled by blatant acts of discrimination based strictly on looks…

“Stay!”: How to Create Loyalty — or at Least Laziness

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Hunger-inducing visual courtesy of PhotoXpress.com

Maybe it’s the bacon.

Every week, I shoot pool in the same joint. Is it the cheapest pool hall in town? Nah. It’s actually pricey. Is it the service? Not really. The people are friendly, but service isn’t a big factor when renting a pool table. Is it the ambience? I do love pure pool halls like this — not some bar with a coin-op table, but a dedicated pool hall with 8-foot Brunswicks and a jukebox playing Soundgarden. What about the location? The House of Billiards is one of the few remaining pure pool halls on L.A.’s west side, and although L.A. is a car culture, we Los Angelenos generally hate to drive, so it wins there. And then there are the BLT’s…

Why I Won’t Get a PhD: Exhibit 1A

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Since I love teaching and talking about marketing, friends often ask why I don’t get a PhD. I’ll think about it… and then I stumble upon an example of the actual work perpetrated by PhD’s in my field…

The Chips are Down: A Lesson in Branding

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Faux Sure!

Of course, you already know that Pringles aren’t really potato chips. One bite told you that. You just ate ‘em because they make good midnight munchies. And they come in that cool tube.

But the blogosphere buzzed when parent company Proctor & Gamble publicly proclaimed that Pringles aren’t entirely made from potatoes…

Like Tears in Rain: How Sci-Fi Series Go All to Hell

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"A TV series based on 'Blade Runner.' Really, is that too much to ask? But no, you give us 'Real Housewives of Orange County' instead... Time to die!"

When “Battlestar Galactica” concluded, its fans lamented that the series had to end, but were thrilled that it departed on a good note. Compare that to the fans of “Lost,” who are saying “WTF?!” after its later episodes. Then there are the still-hurting fans of “Firefly,” who saw Joss Whedon’s brilliant series nipped in the bud by a network that seemed intent on destroying it. (The subsequent “Firefly”-based movie, “Serenity,” helped alleviate the pain. A little.) Whedon’s next experience with “Dollhouse” drove him from TV for good. And, of course, there’s “Star Trek,” that short-lived 60s series that’s been born again in movie theaters thanks to the man behind “Lost”…

No Exit: Why Exit Strategies are Bad for Business

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"God I need an exit strategy... or a man... maybe both at the same time..."

Too many entrepreneurs treat their start-ups like Hollywood relationships: the affair begins with a lot of passion, is great for headlines, and might even lead to deals, but as soon as things get a little rocky — or something better comes along — the entrepreneur is outta there faster than you can say “Renee Zellweger”…

How to Win a Price War (Hint: Don’t)

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"Hmmm... should I move a piece or just eat it?"

“War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Uh-huh
War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Say it again, y’all…”
– Edwin Starr, “War”

Imagine you’re minding your own business, selling lemonade from your friendly neighborhood stand, when — BAM! — you’re torpedoed by a rival who cuts his lemonade price in half. That bastard! Here you two had settled upon a comfy price point — legally, of course, with no collusion whatsoever — and he had to upset the balance…