Movin’ On Up: Cool Rules Pronto has a New Address

This is the last Cool Rules Pronto post at this address. I’ve migrated the entire blog (past articles and all) to a hosted site: http://atomictango.com/blog.

The move was pure hell — you’d think WordPress would make migrating easier — and it’s not quite complete. You’ll probably find a few bugs (and I hope you’ll tell me about them). No, my opinions are not bugs. That said, most of the migration is done thanks to the amazing efforts of Bethany Siegler of UniqueThink.

All new posts will be posted at this new site. For those of you extremely cool people who subscribed to Cool Rules Pronto, first, THANK YOU! and, second, SORRY! You’ll need to re-subscribe on the new site.

And if you haven’t subscribed, well, now would be a completely awesome time to do so, no?

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE NEW HOME OF COOL RULES PRONTO

Enough with the Fluff! A Recession is No Time for Management B.S.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My hit HBO series is over, and my stock portfolio is worth dirt, and you're telling me to 'be resilient'?!"

Pass the paper bag, I’ve got emotion sickness.

I’m perusing Harvard Business Publishing’s website, and a headline snags my eye: “Use the Downtown to Your Advantage“. Hmm, that sounds compelling. What kind of killer advice could the gurus of Harvard Business bestow upon us mere mortals?

What I subsequently read makes my eyes roll like rubber dice on a craps table in a 6.7 earthquake.

Worth Repeating: MBAs Fail to Communicate

“Next to analysis, communication skills must count among the most important for future masters of the universe. To their credit, business schools do stress these skills, and force their students to engage in make-believe presentations to one another. On the whole, however, management education has been less than a boon for those who value free and meaningful speech. M.B.A.s have taken obfuscatory jargon — otherwise known as bullshit — to a level that would have made even the Scholastics blanch. As students of philosophy know, Descartes dismantled the edifice of medieval thought by writing clearly and showing that knowledge, by its nature, is intelligible, not obscure.”

– Philosopher and Business Consultant Matthew Stewart, “The Management Myth,” The Atlantic Online, June 2006

Prepare for Takeoff. Again. And Again. And Again… JetBlue Offers “All You Can Jet”

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Never unpack again.

Suddenly, millions of Americans are making lists of where they would like to go. Others are wishing they hadn’t wasted all their vacation days during the summer. College football fans are checking their team schedules and packing extra jerseys. And Gov. Mark Sanford can park the state jet for a month.

In a deft bit of marketing, JetBlue is offering an “All-You-Can-Jet” pass that lets you “fly JetBlue anywhere you like, as often as you like, from September 8 to October 8″ for only $599.

Just Break ‘Em: Not So Cool Rules in Marketing and Media

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

For all our talk of freedom, we Americans LOVE rules…

• Our favorite sport, football, has the most rules of any sport on the planet.

• Poker players make up new rules with every hand (“threes and hearts are wild except for the Queen, which you can pass to the right if someone sneezes during play”).

• Our institutionalized belief systems — whether Rastafarianism, environmentalism, or even Libertarianism — bristle with rules of what can and can’t be done.

• The August issue of Wired features an entire section on rules, “How to Behave: New Rules for Highly Evolved Humans,” which includes a few illuminating ones by Brad Pitt (“Don’t take a picture of your wife’s butt. That’s silly. Take pictures of other people’s wives’ butts.”).

• And, of course, as its name indicates, this here blog occasionally lays out rules for marketing and media as laid down by a higher authority (me).

Want more proof that most of us are rule-snorting junkies? Take this here Internet, where many users routinely cry “net neutrality!” and “information is free!” and “hands off, Feds!” — YET first-comers to any new website, network or medium are quick to impose rules that newbies must follow or die.

Out of the Office — and over at Drew’s Marketing Minute

Today I’m guest blogging over at Drew McLellan’s esteemed blog, Drew’s Marketing Minute. In my post, “Not Safe For Work”: Chief Reputation Officers & Other Executive Excess, I dissect the silliest statement about management since Sarah Palin claimed “executive experience.”

United States of Generica 2: Radio Shack Becomes “The Shack”

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Previously on Cool Rules Pronto…

Pizza Hut became “The Hut,” evoking images of Jabba — or worse.

Now word comes that another iconic American brand has likewise simplified:

Radio Shack is now “The Shack,” evoking images of a giant basketball player. Their new tagline, “Our Friends Call Us The Shack,” makes me wonder what their non-friends call them.

Black and White and Dead All Over: Can Journalism Survive Free Riders?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Yeah, try re-bottling that. (illustration by Stuart MacKay-Smith)

It’s tough watching an old friend slowly die. Even tougher knowing that you’re helping to knock him off.

Before you go calling 911, the old friend I’m referring to is my daily newspaper. For decades, I’ve started every day with my morning paper. I score my sports and business fix while downing pure Colombian full-caf. Over the years, the two addictions have chemically intertwined to enhance their combined effects. Consequently, whenever I miss my morning coffee-n-paper jumpstart, I find myself fluttering from activity to activity the rest of the day like a fat pigeon in a hurricane.

And now, to my horror and profound sadness, newspapers are dying, losing readers and advertisers to the Web. As a blogger, I contribute to this lethal migration, not so much by stealing readers from newspapers (if only I had such drawing power), but by validating the Web as the place to go for scoop. I myself drink deeply from this vast sea of instant info. After all, why read papers for business alerts or sports scores when they’re updated every second online?

Pop Quiz: Which One of These Things is Not Like the Others?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

I’m usually impressed with Amazon’s ability to recommend products based on a purchase. It’s a smart way to get current customers to buy more.

But tonight I purchased a product at Amazon and got a recommendation that I wasn’t quite expecting. Can you tell which one it was?

click image to enlarge

Yes, we Mac users are a wild bunch indeed…

Stage vs Screen: Time to Swap Bodies?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Hollywood is experiencing a “Freaky Friday” that’s lasting all summer — and perhaps beyond.

In the 1976 movie “Freaky Friday,” a mother and daughter magically swap bodies. After a series of icky moments milked for laughs, they predictably come to understand and respect each other.

Now, unpredictably, the entire movie industry is experiencing a similar switcheroo.

The Brand is the Result: In Defense of Image-Only Advertising

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

I couldn’t resist the bait.

A direct marketing guy on LinkedIn posed the following question:

“Why don’t most advertising agencies pay as much attention to results as they do to their creative and the awards that they can achieve?… Don’t get me wrong, I believe that branding is important to a company, but feel like you can do both at once and achieve much more. … Respectfully, please help me in understanding why clever creative, especially on the Internet, is the basis of awards instead of client results.”

Game Over: MySpace Seeks Salvation in… Gaming?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

What lies in store for MySpace?

MySpace is losing it. And I’m not talking about its members defecting to Facebook.

Last year, the once mighty, world dominating social network that had crushed its predecessor Friendster suddenly found itself splattered on Facebook’s windshield. At first, MySpace responded by copying Facebook features, but copying a competitor is not a long-term success strategy. In fact, it just gives the competition credibility.

So MySpace gave up the fight and is fully rebooting by going after a niche market…

“Syrup”: The Antidote to Boring Business Books. And Klingons.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"I write business books for a living. What do you do?"

I’m pissed. I just read one of the dullest business books ever — and I’ve read some pretty awful ones, including a few that I think are actually alien invasion plans written in code. You know, like anything written by economist N. Gregory Mankiw. He’s the guy who advised Bush on the economy, and reading one of his books is like chewing a sheet of tin foil. Mankiw’s baffling prose and Earth-inappropriate ideas lead me to suspect that he’s really a Klingon. Though I’m just guessing.

1984 2.0: Amazon “Kindles” an Orwellian Fury

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Still a troublemaker.

Orwell is not only spinning in his grave, he must be doing triple salchows.

Amazon kindled a web-wide furor this morning when it yanked digital copies of two books from users’ Kindles: George Orwell’s 1984 and Animal Farm…

What’s The Deal With Rebates? (And How Can Your Business Use ‘Em?)

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director of Atomic Tango LLC

"Let's talk about a sensitive subject: breakage..."

So you finally found that gadget you’ve been dreaming about — you know, the one with the 60″ screen, built-in WiFi, and ability to make a perfect crème brulee at the touch of a button. Better yet, you found it advertised at just the right price… but you didn’t notice the fine print. Only after getting to the store do you notice the word that causes blistering steam to blast out of your ears and nostrils…

“True Blood”: Only Skin Deep

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Not my type.

I finally got around to watching the first season of “True Blood” on DVD — yeah, I know,  I’m a total TV slacker — but I survived only four episodes.

“True Blood” begins with an intriguing level of satire that quickly devolves into soap operatics and — even worse — boring stereotypes. Creator Alan Ball cleverly uses vampires to symbolize the coming out of the gay community, but his vampires are clichéd, smug and brooding. Rather than being high-minded immortals espousing centuries of amassed wisdom, they’re self-indulgent fetishists living solely for debauchery. Yawn. If vampires are supposed to represent the gay community, Ball is doing the latter a great disservice. Indeed, with the exception of the leading romantic interest, most of the vampires are hyper-violent dicks, so I actually found myself siding with the bigots: uh, yeah, it’s probably not the best idea to mingle with superpowered creatures hell bent on eating you.

Going Out with a Really Big Bang: Celebrities Planning Even Grander Finales

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

The following is a satirical work of fiction. Those easily offended should surf to safer territory now…

"You ain't seen nothin' yet..."

In the wake of Michael Jackson’s massive, media-saturated funeral, several Hollywood celebrities are reportedly looking into how they can make sure their own forthcoming funerals are as sensational.

Expressing My Inner TURFgeek: How I Became a Professional Sportswriter for a Day

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

No, not me on the cover. Really.

Somebody my size with my athletic ability doesn’t play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Picture an over-caffeinated chicken on a greased trampoline. It’s just not in my genetic cards.

So I did the next best thing: I wrote a bad-ass essay about the team. Actually a few essays…

WTHWTT?! Microsoft Tosses Up New Ad — Don’t Watch

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

File under “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!”

A few days ago, Microsoft leaked a new ad for Internet Explorer 8 — though I’m not sure if “leaked” is the right verb for it. More like spilled, yakked up, upchucked, and Technicolor yawned it. The ad is nicknamed “OMGIGP,” which stands for “Oh My God I’m Gonna Puke.” Really. No kidding. And it actually has a woman vomiting in it. Think I’m jesting? Watch for yourself — if you can…

United States of Generica: Pizza Hut Becomes “The Hut”

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

No pizza for you!

What’s wrong with pizza? I love pizza! Yet fast food giant Pizza Hut is dropping the word “pizza” from some of its store names and packaging. While still officially called Pizza Hut, the chain will refer to itself as “The Hut” to reportedly make it a more appealing place for teens to hang out. Hey, we’re not a fast food joint, we’re a cool clubhouse!

Not Exactly “Metafore!”: Politicians and Poetic License

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My darling, I may be a lowly postal employee, but I do have government-run health insurance..." "Then shut up and kiss me, you fool!"

“Words are the worst thing ever. I’d prefer a drunkard at the bar touching your bum to someone who says ‘Your smile flies like a butterfly.’” — Grandmother Donna Rosa in “Il Postino”

Twenty-five years ago, the film “Il Postino” captivated American audiences with its sun-drenched tale of Italian romance, the collision of poetry and politics, and the seductive powers of metaphors. Yes, metaphors — or as the lead character Mario exclaims, “Metafore!”

Then we come to this side of the Atlantic, where we Yanks cast subtlety aside, and our metaphors and similes take a much more colorful turn…

Creativity without Borders: “Beat It” Tehran Style

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Score one for the Iranian protesters — at least when it comes to marketing.

Just last week, the Iranian protests dominated conversations across the media and the Internet. Then yesterday, not at all surprisingly in our celebrity-obsessed culture, Michael Jackson’s death wiped the Iranians off the evening news, the front pages of newspapers, and the social media trending topics.

Ahmadinejad couldn’t have asked for anything better.

Too Soon? iTunes Features Michael Jackson

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

The news of Michael Jackson’s death just hit the internets a few hours ago, and the iTunes Store already has Michael Jackson featured on top and center…

In The Can: Coors Campaign Leaves Us Cold

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Just chillin'

It’s not as much fun picking on Coors now as when they were run by right-wing zealots from a mountain stronghold in Colorado. (Alright, it’s a brewery, but it’s fun to say “mountain stronghold.”) I did razz ‘em for their faux microbrew, Blue Moon. But since Coors became the Molson Coors company, they’re part-Canadian, and Canadians are our lovable liberal neighbors to the north with free healthcare, right? To further confuse matters, Molson Coors joined with SABMiller, the South African owner of Miller Beer, to form MillerCoors to promote their products in the U.S. And next year, South Africa will be hosting the World Cup, which is a glorious celebration of international unity through sports. Or something like that.

So how can I pick on Coors now? It’s too easy…

Grounds for Desertion: The Last Stand of Starbucks’ Third Place?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Oh, now you've gone and pissed off the mermaid... (illustration by Jeffrey Thomas)

Three yuppies walk into a Starbucks. Sounds like the beginning of a joke, and in a way it is. Two claim a table, while the third goes to order. He asks the others what they want, and they both say “nothing.” He responds, “So why are we here?” One replies, “Someplace to talk.” The first guy scowls and says something that makes me want to high-five him…