Welcome to the Microsoft Store! Are you sure you want to enter? Are you sure? Are you sure?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"Would you like fries with that?"

That strange gushing sound that you’re hearing is hundreds of commercial landlords across the country salivating all at once: finally, someone to take over those vacant Sharper Image spaces!

According to an amusing article in the L.A. Times, Microsoft is looking to make its image a little sharper by opening its own chain of retail stores…

Already, the jokes are rolling in — and not from arch-rival Apple. Instead, PC World, which you’d think would be on Micosoft’s side, posted a list of “10 Ways Microsoft’s Retail Stores Will Differ From Apple Stores”.  My favorite: “Instead of a ‘Genius Bar’ (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar.”

I do hope Microsoft is prepared for the mobs of livid Vista users that will storm the ramparts, flaming torches in one hand, their Vista-addled slow-motion computers in the other.

Seriously, Folks…

Jests aside, I do think opening a retail chain is a smart move by the software giant, which needs to take some branding initiative after allowing Apple to reposition it for years. (I refuse to acknowledge those Seinfeld-generated Microsoft commercials that were, appropriately, about “nothing.”)

For Apple, the retail stores serve as a loud branding statement and as a church for its cult following: gather here and worship, children, and be sure to pick up an iPod on your way out. Although PC-maker Gateway failed miserably with its own retail stores, that was part of an overall meltdown by the once promising computer brand. Microsoft has the cash and product range to make it work.

Why would Microsoft pick now, the worst retail environment in decades, to launch its own stores? The reason: the aforementioned commercial landlords, who have spent the past year feeling like hot dog vendors at a vegan cookout. Microsoft will be able to waltz into any mall with a briefcase full of cash and extract some generous leases, as well as a few first-born.

Ducking a Hail of Bulletpoints…

What the stores will actually look like and contain is still a mystery, particularly since Microsoft doesn’t make the computers that use its software. (I bet there’s some hardcore negotiating going on right now with PC makers to see who will be featured.) Also, unlike Apple with its clean-white aesthetic, Microsoft doesn’t have a distinct design identity. Well, maybe it does, as this 2005 video vividly illustrates:

My guess is that the Xbox 360 will be the center of attention in Microsoft stores, since it’s actually a wildly successful sub-brand, unlike the Zune. And — more critically from a retail perspective — the games are affordably priced for impulse buys and they entice repeat visitation. What kills many electronics retailers is not having a low-priced product that brings customers back on a regular basis. That’s why Best Buy — and Apple online with its iTunes — sell music and movies alongside multi-thousand-dollar electronics.

Because of Micosoft’s base of geeks and gamers, I’m also guessing that a Microsoft store will have a much more imbalanced male-female ratio than the Apple stores. Indeed, should a real-live female wander into a Microsoft store, all the Y-chomosomes inside will glance up from their Xbox testing and think they’re seeing a hologram. Let’s hope they don’t try to frag her with their joysticks.

Ultimately, the Microsoft stores will be to Apple stores what McDonalds are to Starbucks. And considering how well Starbucks is doing in this economy (“pssst, buddy, want a $3.95 breakfast combo?”), that might not be a bad thing.

Just don’t hold your breath in anticipation. In Microsoft tradition, these stores could take a long time to start up.

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Update 4/23/9: Microsoft’s profits dropped 32% in the first quarter, while Apple’s jumped by 15%. Could this be the first time in history that a store opens with a clearance sale?

Update 8/7/9: The first photo of a Microsoft store has been released. Sort of. It’s actually just a construction wall with some Microsoft product logos on it, including some obvious ones for retail — Zune and Xbox — plus Bing… Bing? How will they use a retail store to promote a search engine?

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