Enough with the Fluff! A Recession is No Time for Management B.S.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My hit HBO series is over, and my stock portfolio is worth dirt, and you're telling me to 'be resilient'?!"

Pass the paper bag, I’ve got emotion sickness.

I’m perusing Harvard Business Publishing’s website, and a headline snags my eye: “Use the Downtown to Your Advantage“. Hmm, that sounds compelling. What kind of killer advice could the gurus of Harvard Business bestow upon us mere mortals?

What I subsequently read makes my eyes roll like rubber dice on a craps table in a 6.7 earthquake.

Worth Repeating: MBAs Fail to Communicate

“Next to analysis, communication skills must count among the most important for future masters of the universe. To their credit, business schools do stress these skills, and force their students to engage in make-believe presentations to one another. On the whole, however, management education has been less than a boon for those who value free and meaningful speech. M.B.A.s have taken obfuscatory jargon — otherwise known as bullshit — to a level that would have made even the Scholastics blanch. As students of philosophy know, Descartes dismantled the edifice of medieval thought by writing clearly and showing that knowledge, by its nature, is intelligible, not obscure.”

– Philosopher and Business Consultant Matthew Stewart, “The Management Myth,” The Atlantic Online, June 2006

What’s The Deal With Rebates? (And How Can Your Business Use ‘Em?)

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director of Atomic Tango LLC

"Let's talk about a sensitive subject: breakage..."

So you finally found that gadget you’ve been dreaming about — you know, the one with the 60″ screen, built-in WiFi, and ability to make a perfect crème brulee at the touch of a button. Better yet, you found it advertised at just the right price… but you didn’t notice the fine print. Only after getting to the store do you notice the word that causes blistering steam to blast out of your ears and nostrils…

Grounds for Desertion: The Last Stand of Starbucks’ Third Place?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Oh, now you've gone and pissed off the mermaid... (illustration by Jeffrey Thomas)

Three yuppies walk into a Starbucks. Sounds like the beginning of a joke, and in a way it is. Two claim a table, while the third goes to order. He asks the others what they want, and they both say “nothing.” He responds, “So why are we here?” One replies, “Someplace to talk.” The first guy scowls and says something that makes me want to high-five him…

String Up the Velvet Ropes! Why Social Networks Need Barriers

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

L.A. contains miles of velvet ropes that pack more protective power than the Great Wall of China. They’re fronted by large scowling men armed with high-caliber clipboards. And they’re assaulted nightly by swarms of wannabes, who are then repelled by blatant acts of discrimination based strictly on looks…

“Stay!”: How to Create Loyalty — or at Least Laziness

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Hunger-inducing visual courtesy of PhotoXpress.com

Maybe it’s the bacon.

Every week, I shoot pool in the same joint. Is it the cheapest pool hall in town? Nah. It’s actually pricey. Is it the service? Not really. The people are friendly, but service isn’t a big factor when renting a pool table. Is it the ambience? I do love pure pool halls like this — not some bar with a coin-op table, but a dedicated pool hall with 8-foot Brunswicks and a jukebox playing Soundgarden. What about the location? The House of Billiards is one of the few remaining pure pool halls on L.A.’s west side, and although L.A. is a car culture, we Los Angelenos generally hate to drive, so it wins there. And then there are the BLT’s…

No Exit: Why Exit Strategies are Bad for Business

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"God I need an exit strategy... or a man... maybe both at the same time..."

Too many entrepreneurs treat their start-ups like Hollywood relationships: the affair begins with a lot of passion, is great for headlines, and might even lead to deals, but as soon as things get a little rocky — or something better comes along — the entrepreneur is outta there faster than you can say “Renee Zellweger”…

How to Win a Price War (Hint: Don’t)

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"Hmmm... should I move a piece or just eat it?"

“War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Uh-huh
War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Say it again, y’all…”
– Edwin Starr, “War”

Imagine you’re minding your own business, selling lemonade from your friendly neighborhood stand, when — BAM! — you’re torpedoed by a rival who cuts his lemonade price in half. That bastard! Here you two had settled upon a comfy price point — legally, of course, with no collusion whatsoever — and he had to upset the balance…

Saks and the City: How to Lower Your Standards for Fun and Profit

"That's when he said he was a marketer! Imagine that? A marketer expecting to date me?"

You’ve all seen the standard romantic comedy: the lead character pines for a fantasy ideal — a millionaire, supermodel, quarterback, cheerleader, prince or princess — but in the end, our hopeless romantic finds true love with a best friend, worst enemy, nerd, prostitute, maid or bodyguard. Delusions dispelled, the true lovers lock lips and live happily ever after. Or until Hollywood makes a sequel.

Today, thanks to the recession, many businesses are undergoing the same head-spinning realignment of expectations. Their dream consumers — namely, the filthy rich — are suddenly coming up short. Damn them. So these once discriminating businesses must now pursue less profitable paramours: potential mates who were once considered “beneath them.” Some businesses even undergo extreme makeovers to appeal to the masses. And you know where that could lead…

Want Tail? Watch Your Head: Secrets of Long-Tail Marketing

Customer: Do you have “I Just Called To Say I Love You”?
Barry: Yes.
Customer: Can I have it?
Barry: No.
Customer: Why not?
Barry: Because it’s tacky sentimental crap that’s why. Do we look like a store that would sell that song? Do you even know your daughter, there’s no way she likes that song. Oh I’m sorry, is she in a coma?
– from “High Fidelity,” the movie

A buddy and I were reminiscing about small independent record stores. Remember them? No? Damn youngsters…

Pipe Dreams: Did Silicon Valley Pick The Right Role Model?

just a series of tubes

Former Senator Ted Stevens was roundly mocked for his comment that the Internet was a “series of tubes.” Now, I can think of a hundred reasons to ridicule venal old Ted, but his analogy wasn’t that off the mark. Yes, it was technically wrong, but many Web 2.0 companies share the same purpose as public utilities: they exist to pipe stuff to users…

“Free” Market Freefall: The End of Free?

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Web 2.Uh-Oh

Just over a year ago, Wired magazine proudly proclaimed that the future would be free, an argument based partially on ad-supported free sites like NYTimes.com. Of course, it was hard to take this manifesto seriously since Wired still charges for their magazine (cover price $4.99).

It was also misleading because it appeared during the height of the second dotcom bubble, when most of the free websites and services weren’t really living off their ad revenue. Some still aren’t. The New York Times website, for example, couldn’t exist in its current form without the financial and content support from its parent company.

Ivory Towers vs Empty Calories: The Best and Worst of Business Publishing

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

How I feel after reading some business books...

Business professors love to dis popular business books, like the silly but frighteningly successful Who Moved My Cheese? We criticize them as lacking proper research and analysis and being the business-publishing equivalent of McDonald’s combo meals. They’re tasty and easy to swallow — which is fine if you’re trapped at the airport — but if you rely on them for sustenance, you’re destined to crash…

Business The Buffett Way — Not Warren, But Jimmy

Parrotheads

Want to see a brand done right — and gone wild? Go to a Jimmy Buffett concert, but don’t bother with the music performance.

A Mismatch Made In Heaven? Apple Does Wal-Mart

Seeing iPhones sold at Wal-Mart is like seeing Wolfgang Puck chowing down at IHOP (not likely) or Rachael Ray pimping Dunkin Donuts (oh yes she did).  Has there ever been a bigger mismatch in marketing history? What’s next, an Apple logo on a NASCAR vehicle? Or even worse, an Apple at a — what? What’s that, you say? You want to know what’s the big deal?

Anarchy in the U.K.! Or Just Getting Their Ducks in a Row

As I mentioned in my post, The Unparalleled World-Class Mission-Critical Hero: Words Sucked Dry In Business, some terms just get under your skin and start gnawing their way toward your brain. Obviously, this has resulted in mass hysteria in some business circles.

But the people are not taking this lying down! They’re fighting back by…

PWN Your Competition During Tough Times: How To Leverage The Value of Your Brand

Plus: Why “Price” isn’t Just a Number on a Sticker

Feeling plucky, punk?

Tough times like these separate the plucky from the certifiably pluckless. Plucky companies see economic turmoil as a ripe opportunity to crush weaker competitors. The pluckless see a shrinking economy and resort to shrinkage themselves: they reduce their services and their advertising till they’re but a shriveled ball of what they once were…

At Home with Hank: A Fairy Tale of Need, Greed and Perception

image created by Keinishi

INT. DINING ROOM – MORNING: HANK PAULSON and his teenage daughter PRINCESS are having breakfast. We can’t see his face because he’s reading the Financial Times, chuckling to himself. She’s toying around with her half-eaten Froot Loops in a fine china bowl…

Facts and Go Figure: The Sneaky Art of Justifying Anything

Want proof?

So there’s this common symbol that’s being used to justify everything from industrial pollution to obscene spending. No, I’m not talking about the letter “W” — that’s become a punchline. I’m referring to the once humble and inoffensive % sign, now exploited as a tool of self-righteous justification. I stumbled across two flagrant examples of % abuse in the past few days alone…

No Interest? No Interest! Discover Card Puts the Junk in Junk Mail

You gotta love asterisks* — those little stars that tell you some juicy bits of information are lying far from the statement you just read. The late great novelist David Foster Wallace turned the footnote into a powerful literary tool; “notes and errata” make up nearly 100 pages of his 1079-page novel Infinite Jest, and they’re as compelling to read as the main body of the novel itself.

Then I got a massive jest of sorts from Discover Card in my mailbox…

The Unparalleled World-Class Mission-Critical Hero: Words Sucked Dry In Business

Bill Lumbergh, American Hero, by SirWilly77

As yet another Cool Rules Pronto public service, I’ve identified a few words and phrases that have been so overused, misused and abused that they no longer have any meaning. (Kind of like the joke in an average Saturday Night Live sketch.) These terms sound important without saying anything, which makes them ideal for press releases and political speeches…

“Viral” Does Not Mean “Free”: The Reality Behind The Buzz

Where's that buzz coming from?

I recently had lunch with an entrepreneur to discuss her marketing problems. She had launched her company with a PR campaign, and the initial results were spectacular, with major media coverage and a torrent of traffic to her site… But that torrent dried to a trickle as the press and consumers lost interest. In just a couple of years her company had become “old news.” Since her operations were now sucking up all of her available cash, she wanted a low-cost marketing option, and she called me to discuss this viral marketing thing…

Public Relations vs. Advertising: No Contest

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Mmm, tasty...

So I’ve got this serious weakness for ice cream. I mean, GOOD ice cream. As in 200% butter-fat-full-sugar-with-no-artificial-ingredients ice cream that makes me break into R-rated facial expressions and one-man gospel choruses. (Yeah, you don’t want to witness that.)

Bankruptcy is the Fashion? Mervyns Fails to Declare its Style

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

As an L.A. based interactive-media guy for the past 14 years, I’m expected to blog about sexy new developments online or in Hollywood, but today I’ve decided to write about Mervyns department store. And, yes, that’s the only time you’ll ever see the words “sexy” and “Mervyns” in the same sentence.

Ah, I see I just lost 98% of this article’s readers — which reflects about the same percentage of consumers who couldn’t care less about the fashion retailer. And that explains why Mervyns recently declared bankruptcy. Since the economy’s been Bushed again, it’s easy to point fingers at macroeconomic issues, and that’s exactly what Mervyns’ management is doing…

Lemons 2.0: If Everything Were Run Like A Dotcom

So I’m walking through my neighborhood counting the foreclosure signs when I develop this mighty thirst. Fortunately, I find a lemonade stand run by an enterprising six-year-old named Zucky. Just as I’m about to pay $4 for a cup (obviously, Zucky graduated from the Starbucks Preschool of Management), I see another lemonade stand across the street run by another enterprising six-year-old. This one, however, has a sign saying “Free Lemonade.” Free? I like free. Free is good. Plus, I’m trying to save enough money to fuel up my car. So I cross the street to the land of the free, and find myself talking to Zucky’s arch rival, Sergei…